rediscovering eden

i think.. i am just afraid of rejections.. and losing something that is so significant in my life. actually, i do think my friends tend to bring out the worst in me.

freak. i wish i can stop thinking about the whole dumb thing.

i don't think i am jealous. it's more like.. scared.. and not wanting to lose that someone. to the extent of being possessive? haha. how funny.

you know.. sometimes i get this feeling that you are entertaining me. and the whole friendship thing can be so one sided at times. like we're friends only because i want to and you are just taking pity on me. that other people can make you happy and i can't. or that a certain person can make you more happy than i can. maybe cause the two of you have more common interests than the two of us? i don't know. when you get all moody and stuff, you said to leave you alone. i don't think that is something easy for me to do. maybe i am feeling envious.. on how she can be so funny and how she can make you laugh and just cheer you up.

i'm scared. i'm scared of the possibility of you two hitting off so well and leaving me alone.

i know i should trust you more. that i should stop being so paranoid. and that it is a two way thing... that you treasure our friendship as much as i treasure it. like, how you want me to be happy too.. like there were times when you were really sweet..

but i really don't understand how you think at times. you get me all confused on what is really true and i don't know when you are being serious and when you are just joking. you make me think you don't think and feel and do the usual things normal humans do.. cause you are different. you give me the impression that you do not want any emotional baggage and you wouldn't not be as affected as i would be if things go wrong.

why am i feeling so insecure?

is it because i am giving so much that i want the same thing in return? i should stop that then. expectation is no good. and then it is a selfish thing to do. i should be giving all in all my relationships with people and not expecting the same thing in return because that is being a true friend. i think.

and i am afraid to tell you all these for fear that you would just run away from me because i am a monster for thinking such a way.. that you wouldn't

i don't like this feeling cause it feels so sinful to think of such negative thoughts of my two close friends. Lord, i want this to go away cause it feels so bad. feeling such feelings is really scary.. such feelings can evolve to resentment, bitterness and hatred if let it go so far off..

i should stop thinking of such thoughts.

Happy Birthday, Roxanne!
oops oops oops for being so clueless!

Soooooooooooooooooooo I bet you're wondering how my Chem test went, right, right, right?
AND I'M NOT GONNA SAY, BAHAHAHAHAH!

'Cos of the whole 'SPEAK OF THIS TEST TO OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU WILL FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!' thing.

But it was okay. That much I can say.

In retrospect, I think I won't REALLY mind Chem remedial. (if it's on Friday! :B)
Who knows, maybe it'll be useful.

Was sitting next to Jazlyn for the Chem test.
'Hey! This is almost as if we're lab partners again!'

And and and I have discovered two new twilight fan-friends! :DDD
Offline ones, I mean. Yaaaaaaay.

I've been wondering why I haven't been receiving campaign mail when I realised most of my email from Chew Lin was sent to my spam?!?!?!
And even more incredibly was mail from ME (Sent to myself through yahoo!groups) was sent to SPAM, WTH?!?!?!?!

Unbelievable.

i guess at times, people do feel insecure and forlorn. it can't really be helped? but i think, what makes people, or i, feel better would be because of the fact that Jesus is there for us and that He would not forsake us.
mission trip. i want to go to cambodia. i want to go on the mission trip to cambodia at the end of this year to do something.
marianne said something that hurt me a little. it wasn't her but the words that cut me.
i can't go because i didn't make the pre-requirements.
that is, i didn't go for all 3 days of the mission conference.
i don't have any excuse for it i guess.
i shouldn't.
i don't know whether my pride was hurt, that i got immediately rejected or that i was just sad that i couldn't go where my heart wants to go to do something about being the fortunate one here and wanting to help.
let's just see how things go.

( More )

Happy (belated) Birthday, Kai !
Happy (belated) Birthday, thecoysmile   

Wow, y'know I was actually the most energetic today, which is really ironic. I mean, it's a friday, having had five full days of school, shouldn't I be more exhausted???
I think it's probably because I got used to the long school hours again.

But I meant it when I said that my favourite part of studying in RGS was going home.

Okay, before I insert a cut...


Vote for Mandi for Head Prefect, k! :D

( Some people never find it, some only pretend, but I just want to live happily ever after every now and then. )

Up for auction starting at $7
(due to no response from winner hmmm.)
Bids will close tonight 1230am

Comment with your bid + email!

( Sew Me a Skirt! )

Tomorrow,
I'm off to Taiwan.

& Today, It's goodbye to my old Nano and hello to the new Pink - a little something just in time for the trip.



This trip would be the very first time I'm travelling with friends (and the boyfriend), without having parents to rely on. I absolutely can't wait! Oh, and wish me luck on speaking Chinese!

( POUCH x 3 )

( Clearing Sale! )